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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24704872">Breaking Point</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FateHerself/pseuds/FateHerself'>FateHerself</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alex Manes Deserves Nice Things, Alex Manes Needs a Hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kyle Valenti is a Good Friend, M/M, Military Inaccuracies, Whump, cuz i'm a sucker for, just everyone being worried about Alex, probably</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:14:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,937</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24704872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FateHerself/pseuds/FateHerself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t a rarity anymore that Alex was no longer present at their small get-togethers in the Pony.<br/>However, it had not happened yet that Alex made an emergency call to the police while everyone else was on another group date.</p><p>(takes place five months after the season 1 final but it's nothing like canon season 2 because I needed more Malex)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maria DeLuca/Michael Guerin, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey!</p><p>This is my first Roswell NM fic. Meaning, I'm still getting a used to writing these characters so go a little easy on me, okay? ^^</p><p>Also, I have like no knowledge about the Air Force or any of the other uniformed services for that matter so they are most certainly some inaccuracies in here. If you could just ignore them that would be great!</p><p>I hope you enjoy it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t a rarity anymore that Alex was no longer present at their small get-togethers in the Pony. At least not if it wasn’t about aliens or if there was no life-threatening situation waiting right around the corner.</p><p>About five months ago, Michael went to Maria, and just over two months had passed since Liz, in collaboration with Kyle and the aliens, brought Max back to life.<br/>
After two months in the relationship, Michael could no longer keep secret from Maria, why he always behaved so strangely, why he always just drove into the middle of the desert and where the hell Max was.<br/>
So, all of them were in on it now. And alive. Everyone was somehow satisfied with the situation. Liz had Max back, Michael was with Maria, Isobel was slowly but surely getting over her trauma with Noah and Kyle had his life under control even before that whole mess had started, thus it was easy for him to settle into this new normal.<br/>
The only person you heard nothing from was Alex.</p><p>He went to the Pony or the Crashdown now and then, but only if it had something to do with aliens or if he found another trail that could lead them to yet another prison like Caulfield.<br/>
Truth be told, Alex was the only reason they were still making progress on the origins of Michael and his siblings. Everyone else was just enjoying the new calm which they had established between them and which they legitimately deserved, thank you very much.<br/>
Alex’s absence did definitely not go unnoticed, though. Liz tried several times to invite him to what she lovingly called a “group date,” but he kept refusing. Work was his go-to excuse, but also listlessness or fatigue.<br/>
Tiredness was the most credible of his excuses, though. Whenever Alex ran into someone on the street, he looked like he hadn’t slept in days, which he probably hadn’t.</p><p>Kyle was the only one who met up with Alex from time to time. Whereby “meeting up” was most likely not the right terminology, because Kyle appeared in front of Alex’s door partially unannounced and almost forced him to a movie night.<br/>
Kyle also didn’t fully support Michael’s and Maria’s relationship, since he was more on Alex’s side. But in principle, Michael didn’t care what Kyle thought of him. What anyone thought of him, really.<br/>
Max and even Isobel had also asked about Alex, but nobody had an answer to the question “How is he?” Especially since the standard answer of the Airman was “I’m fine.”</p><p>Yes, everyone in their group was somehow happy with the situation, but Alex was missing in this constellation and it felt so wrong in a way that it was a constant, hurtful thought in their heads. Particularly because everyone knew <em>why</em> he wasn’t there.</p><p>It was no longer a rarity that Alex wasn’t present at their small get-togethers.<br/>
However, it had not happened yet that Alex made an emergency call to the police while everyone else was on another group date.</p><p>Max had been back on duty for two weeks now and when he got the call from the station, he apologized briefly, kissed Liz on the cheek, and walked away from the table.</p><p>“I don’t like that he’s working again,” Iz said, looking at Max with the same worried expression as Liz.</p><p>“Me neither, but he was already climbing his walls. He promised to tell me if he feels overworked. I only agreed on this condition,” Liz sighed.</p><p>“You do realize it’s Max we’re talking about, right? He died to resurrect Rosa. I think the boundaries between tiredness and overworking and fucking mortal danger are very blurred for him.“<br/>
Michael took a sip of his beer and almost choked on it as Maria slapped his arm.</p><p>“You are one to talk. As if you and Isobel didn’t almost bite the dust yourselves to bring him back,” she said.</p><p>“That was different,” Michael defended himself. “We had a well-thought-out plan, there were two of us and we also had all of you and hundreds of bottles of acetone as backup. Max was alone in the cave and didn’t even tell any of us. ”</p><p>“That doesn’t change that you almost gave me a heart attack with that move,” Maria murmured.</p><p>“I’m sorry, babe,” Michael sighed.</p><p>He gave her a quick kiss and only just saw Kyle looking away. Liz, too.<br/>
Both of them weren’t really against their relationship per se, but against what it did to Alex.<br/>
Michael and Maria knew that themselves, of course, but somehow, they had been able to avoid “The Topic of Alex” well so far and had therefore skillfully ignored it. Made possible above all because Alex was never present himself.</p><p>An uncomfortable silence broke out between them.<br/>
This had happened more often lately. Every time this hurtful thought came back into their heads.</p><p>Fortunately, Max broke the silence again when he went back to their table with his eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Liz asked and a distressing feeling spread in Michael’s stomach, which he couldn’t fully explain yet.</p><p>Max looked around, looked everyone in the eyes, then his stayed at Michael’s a second longer before turning back to Liz.</p><p>“Alex just called in a homicide.”</p><p>***</p><p>By the time they all arrived at Alex’s cabin - Max couldn’t talk Liz and Maria into waiting at the Pony, much less Kyle and Michael - two police cars and one from the Air Force were already parked outside the door.</p><p>“So you’re saying it was accidental killing?” Michael heard a voice say before he even entered the living room.</p><p>“No, I’m saying it was a justifiable homicide.”</p><p>The tiredness in Alex’s voice was unmistakable. For the first time, he sounded the way he looked. Big black circles under his glassy eyes, which stood out way too prominently in his pale face. Had he lost weight?</p><p>Michael and the others all came around the corner at the same time and they must have looked like a pretty messy bunch compared to the scene that played out in front of them.</p><p>A policeman took Alex’s statement while another one stood in the kitchen looking down.<br/>
Two Airmen were in front of Alex and according to their rank insignia, they were Majors. Or Lieutenant Colonels. Michael didn’t know all the ranks. He only knew that Alex was a Captain and that he had outranked his father, but that’s about it.</p><p>All eyes were on the small, strange group, of which only one person should have actually been there. Alex looked at this person accusingly.<br/>
Max returned the look apologetically but he did not step forward or show otherwise that he was, as a matter of fact, here for work. Which raised the question of why the Air Force had come here in the first place. If it was a “normal” homicide, why were Alex’s superiors here? Just because he was in that uniformed service?<br/>
Whatever the reason, Max realized that this was above his paygrade if senior military officers were already present.</p><p>“Captain Manes,” the older of the two men with light gray hair and a scar on his forehead, - Moore, according to the name on his uniform - said and Alex switched from tired Civilian to Soldier in an instant.</p><p>Without really being able to prevent it, Alex automatically stood at attention.<br/>
Michael didn’t like that reflex. As good as Alex looked in a uniform, the thought, the <em>mindset</em>, behind it didn’t match the Alex he had fallen in love with years ago. The rebel became the Soldier and now followed instructions that the Alex with eyeliner and nail polish would have laughed at.<br/>
It hurt to see him like that and it was one of the reasons he went to Maria. Guerin could no longer watch Alex handing parts of himself away piece by piece until eventually and inevitably there were none left.</p><p>“Can you prove that?”<br/>
The Major - or whoever - ignored the recent arrivals. Michael didn’t know if he should approve of that or not. However, gathering the severity of the situation from their talk still turned out to be impossible. They continued their conversation as though the group never arrived, but they spoke no names.</p><p>“I have no visual evidence if that’s what you mean, Sir. He came to my home, attacked me with an M11, and tried to shoot me.“ Alex nodded his head to the right without taking his eyes off his superior. “There’s a bullet hole in the wall. It flew past my head. I had to defend myself, otherwise, he would have killed me.“</p><p>Guerin felt sick at the thought of Alex being here alone and having to fight for his life while they were all having fun at the Pony.</p><p>“So, you disarmed him and shot him with his own weapon.”</p><p>“Yes, Sir.”</p><p>Obviously, Michael already knew that Alex had killed people. He was deployed more than once, and must have seen and done unspeakable things. But getting it thrown in his face like that was an unfamiliar experience.</p><p>In the past Alex had wanted to write songs, go on tours and help people with his music. Now he had to kill people to protect himself. That’s everything Alex didn’t want for himself and Michael mourned the life Alex should have had.</p><p>The two Majors looked at each other, while the other officer stood quietly beside them. Now he also seemed to have noticed that this was outside his jurisdiction.</p><p>“This will get court-martialed, you know that, right?”</p><p>“Yes, Sir.”</p><p>“Do you think your testimony will be enough?”</p><p>“I have nothing else. There are no witnesses.“</p><p>Moore glanced at Alex and then sighed. The weight of someone who recognized someone else’s suffering.</p><p>“At ease, Alex,” he then said, his tone much softer. He sounded more like a worried grandfather than a military superior.</p><p>Alex exhaled and deflated as  though he was carrying the burden of the entire world on his shoulders.</p><p>Moore put a hand on Alex’s shoulder.<br/>
“Listen, Alex. You’re a good Captain. A good <em>person</em>. I know he wasn’t. I know about the illegal operations he’s been doing, back in Iraq and here too, so I’ll be on your side. I believe you, but it will be hard to prove that it was self-defense.“</p><p>Michael’s first thought was, <em>‘Jesse. Alex killed his father.’</em><br/>
That would have explained why the Air Force was here. It wasn’t just a random civilian that had attacked Alex, which, to be fair, had been predictable. When was something ever random in their lives?</p><p>“I know,” Alex said, and he sounded so very defeated. At that moment, Michael wanted nothing more than to hug Alex and not let go of him until he felt better.<br/>
How hypocritical to think he still had the right to be close to Alex, let alone make him feel good.</p><p>An uncomfortable feeling crept up on Michael when he saw Maria staring at him. His expression had to reflect his thoughts.<br/>
That they hadn’t talked about Alex until then, came back to them now in a terrible way.<br/>
Just because Guerin chose Maria, his feelings for Alex were far from gone. He couldn’t get rid of them for a decade, five months with Maria weren’t going to change anything.<br/>
Michael had wanted easy and painless, had gotten it too, and you also couldn’t argue that there was passion between them, but something was missing in his relationship with Maria. Something very essential but also something that he wouldn’t even miss, or notice that it was missing if he hadn’t had it with Alex.</p><p>Moore smiled sadly at the him again, then took his hand away and nodded towards the kitchen.</p><p>“We’ll take him with us. You can stay here but you have to be at the base tomorrow. Otherwise, it could be considered an attempted escape. We’ll discuss the details tomorrow.”</p><p>The Major nodded to the policeman in the kitchen and only now did Michael notice the black body bag lying on the floor.<br/>
Together with a third officer, whom Michael hadn’t noticed until then, they lifted the bag, the <em>body</em>, onto a stretcher and pushed it past them out of the door.</p><p>They came right past Alex, but he hardly showed any emotion. A quick glance to the side was the only thing one could make out. Then he exhaled and closed his eyes.</p><p>“You’ll report to duty at 0800, sharp.”</p><p>“0800?” Alex asked confused and looked up again.</p><p>“Yes. You had a hell of a day. Two hours of sleep more won’t hurt you.“</p><p>Apparently, Moore realized that Alex just wanted some rest and Michael could hear the slight smile in his voice.</p><p>“Thank you, Sir.”</p><p>With one last look towards their group, which had been completely ignored until then, they left the cabin.<br/>
After that, all hell broke loose.</p><p>“What the hell, Alex?!”</p><p>“What the fuck <em>happened?!</em>”</p><p>“Court-martial?!”</p><p>Many things were shouted at him before Alex could even turn around, but no one dared to ask that one question everyone wanted to know the answer to.<br/>
It wasn’t until Alex looked at them again and Michael saw his face that he noticed it.<br/>
<em>Fuck, it wasn’t Jesse.</em><br/>
Michael couldn’t explain it, but something in Alex’s expression told him it hadn’t been his father. However, it was unclear whether the relief or grief made this clear.<br/>
Was Alex glad he hadn’t killed his father? Or was he desperate because he didn’t have to take his father’s life but someone else’s? All these feelings conflicted with each other and Michael could not decipher what exactly had happened. He just knew that it was not Jesse.</p><p>When had he lost the ability to see exactly what Alex thought, felt, needed?</p><p>“Who?” Michael asked softly and everyone stopped talking immediately.</p><p> Alex looked at him for a few seconds. His eyes attracted Michael’s like a magnet. For a few heartbeats, they were in their own orbit, two stars pulled towards each other, an inexplicable gravity between them.<br/>
Alex looked like he just wanted to be in Michael’s arms, hide in them, and just forget everything, but simultaneously as if the thought alone was causing him pain.</p><p>Alex sighed and closed his eyes, breaking this cosmic connection.</p><p>“Flint.”</p><p>For the next few seconds, you couldn’t hear anyone breathing.</p><p>Alex had to kill his brother.</p><p>Alex hung his head and ran a hand through his hair. By the looks of it, he hadn’t done this for the first or hundredth time today.</p><p>“Listen, guys,” he said. His eyes were so sad and tired and defeated that Michael just wanted to go to him. Only Maria’s hand, which she had put on his arm in shock after the revelation, prevented him from instinctively approaching Alex.</p><p>“I had like, the worst day ever, even before Flint showed up at my doorstep and pulled a gun on me, okay? So, if you could just...” He waved his hand towards the door.</p><p>“Are you kidding?” Kyle asked incredulously and for the first time in his life, Michael agreed with the doctor. “Someone just tried to murder you and you expect us to just leave you here alone?”</p><p>Alex rolled her eyes. “I am a military-trained Airman with special training for the AFSOC. My brother trying to kill me wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen.“</p><p>“Maybe not,” said Max, “but you <em>did</em> just have to kill your brother.”</p><p>That was true as well.<br/>
Alex might have gone through hell, back when they were in Highschool and later in Iraq and Afghanistan and God knows where, and he might have had to kill people before, but Flint was his <em>brother</em>.</p><p>Michael was pulled out of his thoughts with a sentence that felt like a blow to the stomach.</p><p>“He wasn’t my family anymore. Not for a long time.“</p><p>Alex’s gaze wandered to Michael and stayed there.<br/>
Naturally, Michael knew what he wanted to say with that. Flint was no longer his family. They were. And he had protected them, again.<br/>
Whatever the fight was about, Alex had done it for them. For him.<br/>
They hardly saw Alex outside of “business” anymore, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still giving everything for them. And wasn’t that just unfair?</p><p>Because Michael had ignored the topic “Alex”, he also ignored the person Alex.<br/>
And how did that saying go? <em>It takes two to tango.</em><br/>
Now that Michael was thinking about it, he came to some disturbingly honest realizations.<br/>
Alex had sacrificed his free time, his sleep, his heart, and now even his brother so that Michael and the others could be happy and safe. How did they even deserve this?</p><p>Nobody but Kyle - what an irony - had really attempted to get Alex to talk. Everyone just assumed he was fine. That the Air Force and Project Shepherd took up all of his time and that he wasn’t ready to see Michael and Maria together yet.<br/>
The sad truth, however, was that the night Michael went to the Pony, Alex had not only lost the person he loved most but also that person’s siblings and Maria, one of his best friends.<br/>
Alex no longer felt like he belonged. His only part in the group, according to him, was to protect everyone. Fuck, he <em>reenlisted</em> to keep them safe.<br/>
What awful friends have they been?</p><p>Admittedly, Alex had also hurt Michael. Starting with going to the Air Force and then all those times he came back and then just disappeared again. All those times he wanted to keep their relationship - or whatever it was they had – a secret. All the times he had pushed and pulled Michael back and forth.<br/>
But through it all, Michael knew, deep down, that Alex had loved him.<br/>
When he thought about Alex, he not only saw the pain.<br/>
Yes, he saw Alex leaving and Alex dying in some desert in Bagdad and Alex pushing him away and Alex ignoring him but he also saw Alex kissing him and making everything go hazy and perfect and Alex making love to him at 3 am in his airstream and Alex sleeping and waking up next to him and Alex screaming at him “Okay, maybe! But you are mine!” and Alex refusing to leave him and rather wanting to die with him than having to live in a world that didn’t have Michael in it.</p><p>Michael loved Maria, he really did, but at that exact moment, Michael realized what was missing in their relationship. Which would be missing in any relationship because nobody was <em>Alex</em>.<br/>
He had a safe, loving relationship with Maria, but with Alex, he had a best friend, a person who knew him better than anyone else in the world and who accepted him just the way he was. Sure, maybe he didn’t agree with everything Michael did, but he didn’t care what he was and who other people believed him to be because ultimately, he loved him for him. He believed in Michael when no one else did and he didn’t give up on him even when he gave up on himself.<br/>
When Michael was with Alex, he wanted to be better. The thing about Alex was that he inspired you to be the best version of yourself. Alex believed in the good in people even if they didn’t deserve it and no matter what, you wanted to live up to what he saw in you. Because regardless of how you treated him, he always saw that one slight spark of good which was in each and every one of us, even if you couldn’t see it yourself.</p><p>Michael could never feel the way he feels with Alex when he’s with another person, because Alex loved him. Unconditionally.<br/>
Michael found his person in Alex and while he was afraid of losing Maria as a friend, he wasn’t overly scared of losing their romantic interest in each other.<br/>
He gave up everything for easy and safe. But if you’re not fucking terrified of losing the relationship with the person you’re supposed to be with, was it even worth fighting for?</p><p>And, Michael realized, the one thing that was missing in his and Maria’s relationship and would be missing in any other affiliation, was his soulmate.</p><p>Michael knew that he still had to have a long and detailed conversation with Maria. He would have to apologize to her and tell her they had no chance in the long run. Not after he knew what it felt like to be loved by Alex.<br/>
But he also knew that the talk with Alex would be much harder and longer and sadder and angrier, but fuck, it would be worth it. Because nothing was more worth fighting for than Alex.</p><p>“Guys, you heard my Lt Col,” Alex went on as if he hadn’t just interrupted Michael’s inner enlightenment.<br/>
“I still need to get up early tomorrow and I have a hell of a day before me. I killed a Sergeant of the USAF who also happens to be my brother. This will go to court and I just…”<br/>
Alex ran both hands over his face and he looked so vulnerable. You could practically feel that he was close to his breaking point.<br/>
Nobody had ever seen him like this. Not even Michael.</p><p>“I just need some sleep, okay?” he whispered, looking up again. “I’m gonna call you tomorrow after I know what’s gonna happen.”</p><p>Translated, that meant he would call Kyle in the evening, so late that the time gave him an excuse why nobody should come over. That was an advantage for Alex. Especially if he got bad news.</p><p>The group looked at each other, unsure. None of them wanted to leave Alex alone, but no one really knew what was going on in his head.<br/>
He looked tired and beaten, but not sad. He looked like he regretted it, but didn’t feel guilty. All his signals were a big mixture of contradictions and Michael believed that even Alex himself couldn’t tell what he was feeling.</p><p>However, before anyone could react, Alex disappeared into his bedroom, his goodbye being “You can see yourselves out.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The group talks about what happened at the cabin and Michael and Maria finally address the topic "Alex".</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is basically just a small middle chapter where Michael and Maria finally talk about the elephant in the room.</p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I don’t like the fact that we just left him alone,” Kyle said.</p><p>“Me neither,” Michael agreed, and it sounded like Liz’s and Isobel’s conversation from earlier all over again.<br/>
“I have a terrible feeling about this.”</p><p>They had all driven silently and reluctantly back to the Pony and Maria had been remarkably quiet all the way, but she was essentially the only one who didn’t keep glancing at him. All of them had probably more or less noticed his realizations, but Michael didn’t know whether through facial expressions or any psychic/alien powers.<br/>
However, one thing was certain. Suddenly no one was so satisfied with this new calm anymore. Everything seemed out of place and so <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>“Do you think the people in court will believe him?” Liz asked worriedly.</p><p>“Well, the evidence indicates him being innocent,” Max said.</p><p>“What evidence? It’s Alex’s statement against his brother’s body. You heard him, there are no witnesses,” Kyle said.</p><p>“But let’s be realistic here. Alex is a Captain with three deployments under his belt and a purple heart to his name. Flint is- <em>was</em> a Sergeant who was known to be involved in illegal activities in America and overseas. The only reason he was still in the Air Force was because of their family name and because he was a good weapon specialist. And Alex’s Lieutenant Colonel said he would support him.“</p><p>“That may be true,” Isobel interfered, “but is Alex able to prove that it was self-defense? For all the court knows, Flint didn’t even have a reason to kill Alex.“</p><p>“But Alex had a reason to just kill Flint?” Michael asked angrily.</p><p>“That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying Alex can’t exactly tell them that his brother wanted to murder him because he sided with aliens, right? So how does he want to prove that he wasn’t the first to attack? What legitimate motive can Alex put forward that doesn’t make him look crazy?”</p><p>“And even if there was a chance that they would believe him, he would never bring up aliens to save himself,” Max added. “He would never give us up.”</p><p>Michael wondered since when Max had such a good opinion of Alex, but apparently, Michael wasn’t the only one who realized what Alex had given up for them.</p><p>“We need to come up with a plan,” Liz sighed.</p><p>“Let’s wait and see what happens at the base tomorrow,” Max answered. “Alex will speak to his superiors and the trial won’t immediately take place tomorrow. First, they will conduct an autopsy and the case won’t go to court until they have collected all the facts, anyway. It will take at least a day or two. We’ll come up with a plan after he talked to us.”</p><p>“We shouldn’t <em>need</em> a plan. This never should’ve happened!” Michael suddenly said a little too loudly and Maria winced next to him.<br/>
“All Alex did was trying to protect us and find answers to our origins. He shouldn’t even be court-martialed and he shouldn’t even have had to kill anyone! He shouldn’t have been alone!“</p><p>He should not have been alone during the attack, not during his investigations and research, and not these past few months in general, and they were all slowly realizing it.</p><p>Nobody knew what to say because Michael was right. They were supposed to be a team. A one for all and all for one, no one gets left behind-team. And they fucked it up. Every one of them, Alex included.<br/>
Michael knew for a fact that Kyle had asked Alex multiple times if he needed help and essentially forced him into talking to him, but Alex had consistently rejected his friend so that’s on him. But Liz was also supposed to be one of his best friends, someone he could always talk to. Isobel was always the one who tried to keep the group together, but somehow, she didn’t even really try to make Alex participate in their group dates. Max was the one who implemented that one for all and all for one-mindset after they resurrected him in the first place and Michael and Maria hurt Alex so much by pursuing a relationship with each other.<br/>
However, the worst thing about that was, that they knew it but instead of dealing with it they chose to ignore it and fucked up their relationship with Alex in the process, possibly beyond repair.<br/>
All they did was occasionally helping Alex while he did all the work and then going back to enjoying their lives.<br/>
No one gets left behind, Michael’s ass.</p><p>Everyone wallowed in their own guilt for a while, realizing exactly these facts, until Maria broke the silence with surprising words.</p><p>“You should go to him,” she said without looking up from the table she had been staring at since arriving, but everyone knew she meant Michael.</p><p>Guerin sighed. He had hoped he could delay the conversation a little longer. But then again, hadn’t delaying exactly led to this situation?</p><p>“Maria...”</p><p>“I’ll wait outside.”<br/>
And without another word, she got up and left the Pony. Their conversation was long overdue.</p><p>Michael closed his eyes as her footsteps grew quieter and it wasn’t until the door closed that he took a deep breath. Then he put his hands on the table and pushed himself up.<br/>
Max and Isobel smiled at him encouragingly, knowing what he felt for Alex since they were literally in his head. Liz smiled too, albeit a little sadder, because no matter who he chose, he would inevitably hurt one of her best friends. Kyle’s face just had “Hurt him more and I’ll fucking end you” written all over it, so there was that.</p><p>Outside, Maria leaned against his truck, looked at the floor, and unconsciously pushed the sand back and forth with her foot.<br/>
Michael slowly approached her, afraid she would punch him for being such a dumbass. When that didn’t happen, he leaned against the vehicle next to her and waited for her to say something.<br/>
Some time passed, and just when he wanted to take the initiative and apologize, Maria sighed.</p><p>“Just tell me one thing,” she said, looking Michael straight in the eyes. “Did we ever have a chance? You and me? Could we ever have worked in the long run?”</p><p>Michael took a deep breath to clear his head. It was dark now and the desert air had cooled down a quiet bit.</p><p>“Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe. In a world where I never met Alex? For sure. In a world where he... didn’t make it home from Iraq? Possibly. But here? Right now? Probably not.“</p><p>Maria processed his words and nodded slowly. She had already figured that.</p><p>“Then why ... Why did you come to me? When you already knew that we weren’t gonna last, why come to the Pony that night? “</p><p>“I already told you what happened on that day and the day before that and the day before <em>that</em>. Everything just ... hurt. And I connected all this pain to Alex in one way or another and I ... I needed safe and I needed easy and I needed no painful history and you were all that.“</p><p>“That sounds pretty much like you used me as a distraction.”</p><p>“I know. I’m sorry,” Michael said, looking down, ashamed. He knew exactly what that sounded like and Maria deserved better.<br/>
“But for what it’s worth, I really wanted this with you. I wanted us to work, but Alex is...“</p><p>“Everything?”</p><p>“Yeah...”</p><p>Maria sighed again and turned to face him with all the strength she had.<br/>
Alex had been a bigger person when he found out about them. Sure, he avoided them, but not because he was petty or angry, but because he wanted them to be happy even though it hurt. The least she could do now was do the same and try to make things right.<br/>
Alex deserved everything, and so did Michael. She had felt the love between them back at the cabin and it should be considered a crime keeping two people who love each other like that apart.</p><p>Yes, they deserved that unconditional love, but so did Maria and Michael couldn’t give her that. She had to let him go, for their sakes, but also hers.<br/>
They tried to make it work, but it didn’t and that was okay. What wasn’t okay was hurting people they both cared about in the process, and now they had to fix it.</p><p>“We really hurt him, Michael. And now I’m hurting, too. And I’m not blaming or judging you because you were also suffering. You played as much a role in this whole drama as Alex and I did. We are all responsible and now we have to make up for it.“</p><p>Michael also turned to face her and nodded.</p><p>“Starting with getting you your man back.”</p><p>This sentence, in all this mess that was their lives again, was so unexpected and unleashed such truth in Michael that he couldn’t help but laugh.</p><p>“God, you’re perfect,” he said, smiling at her.</p><p>“I know,” she grinned and Michael was glad that they could probably really go out of this entire thing as friends.</p><p>“I don’t know if I can fix my relationship with Alex,” she said, serious again. “But he will forgive you 100% because he loves you, but I abused his trust and don’t have the bonus of being the love of his life. I’ll still do everything I can to gain his trust back, of course. It might just take a little while longer.“</p><p>“He will forgive you, too, Maria. He’s Alex. And he loves you as well.”</p><p>Maria smiled and even if though she wasn’t sure if her relationship with Alex could ever go back to what it was before Michael, she would still give everything to be a good friend for Alex again. Starting with sending Guerin to him at last.</p><p>“Now go already. We’ll talk about this later. Alex needs you first.“</p><p>Michael pushed away from his truck, mentally with one leg already in the car and on the way to Alex, but he stopped short.</p><p>“Are you gonna be alright?”</p><p>“Don’t worry about me. I got our friends, your siblings, and tones of booze in there. We are gonna get wasted and bitch about what a dumbass you are,” Maria said, pointing to the bar behind her.</p><p>Michael chuckled and then let out a surprised yelp as Maria pushed him towards the driver’s side.</p><p>“Go already. Make things right.“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Michael and Alex finally talk. And cry. - Malex at last.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the middle of the night; the streets were empty and Michael had to get to Alex. Although the cabin was far out of town, it only took him a little under 15 minutes to get there.</p>
<p>He parked his truck in front of the door and got out.<br/>Even though Alex had looked dead tired earlier and said he was going to bed, there was still a 50/50 chance he was still awake. Although, if Michael knew him, it was more of a 60/40 chance. Maybe 70/30.</p>
<p>Michael waited just outside the door. The lights were out, and he wondered if Alex, against all odds, was already asleep. Except that terrible feeling that had accompanied him since they left the cabin was still pounding strongly and constantly through his body.<br/>But even if Alex hadn’t gone to bed yet, did he want to see Michael at all? Was now the best time for this conversation? Most likely not, but they didn’t <em>have to</em> talk. At least not at this very moment. Michael just wanted to be there for Alex, or at least try it to be. He hurt him enough. Now was the time to make things right.</p>
<p>Determined, if somewhat uncertain about Alex’s reaction, he knocked on the door.<br/>No movement.<br/>He knocked again.<br/>Still nothing.</p>
<p>The uncertainty slowly won over the determination, and Michael was about to leave. He would have done it too if his gut feeling for Alex’s dangerous situations wasn’t correct almost 99% of the time and something told him that going away now would be a big mistake.</p>
<p>He knocked one last time and when there was still no answer, he opened the door with his powers.<br/>Alex wouldn’t approve of that, he knew, but Michael would rather let himself be shouted at than going home with that feeling of fear, unsure if Alex needed help.</p>
<p>Inside, it was completely dark. And silent.<br/>Michael’s eyes roamed around the living room, but he couldn’t see anyone. Everything indicated that Alex was already in bed.</p>
<p>As creepy as it felt, he went into the bedroom. He just wanted to make sure Alex was indeed asleep and if that was the case, he would just go home and talk to him tomorrow.<br/>But nobody was in his bedroom either.<br/>This uncomfortable feeling became more and more present and got worse with every second that passed.</p>
<p>Michael knocked on the door of the adjoining bathroom.</p>
<p>“Alex?” He asked carefully. “Are you in there?”</p>
<p>Again, no answer.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna come in, okay?” he asked, just in case.</p>
<p>When he opened the door, there was no light there, too.<br/>Michael’s heart beat faster. Something was wrong. Very wrong.<br/>He quickly left the two rooms and made his way back to the front door. If Alex wasn’t here, where was he?<br/>He would have to go back to the Pony immediately, let the others know, and they would all have to find Alex together. Who knew what happened-</p>
<p>Michael was about three feet away from the door when his eyes caught a tiny movement in the kitchen. His head immediately flew in that direction and relief and horror simultaneously spread through his body and competed with each other.<br/>Relief, because Alex was sitting on the kitchen floor, back against a closet. He was here. He was safe.<br/>Horror, because Alex was sitting on the kitchen floor, a half-full bottle of whiskey in his hand and he just stared at the floor, exactly where the black bag was just a few hours ago. Where Flint’s body was just a few hours ago.</p>
<p>A few seconds passed in which Michael had to decide whether he should approach Alex carefully or whether he gave in to his instincts and immediately pulled him into his arms.<br/>In the end, he compromised.<br/>He wanted to be at Alex’s side as quickly as possible so he ran to him but he didn’t touch him yet.<br/>Alex may have been drunk and not fully present, but he was still a Soldier with PTSD who had just killed his own brother. Scaring him with physical contact could cause an injury, most likely to Michael’s body.</p>
<p>“Alex?”</p>
<p>Michael crouched cautiously next to him, hands floating between them like he wanted to touch him, but held back.</p>
<p>“Hey, are you okay? What happened?”</p>
<p>What stupid questions, but Michael didn’t know what else to say. He had never seen Alex like this before. How should he handle this situation? How did he get Alex’s attention?</p>
<p>“Alex?” he asked again, carefully placing a hand on his arm.</p>
<p>Alex winced barely perceptible, and without turning his head, he looked a little to the side.<br/>When he saw Michael, he exhaled and closed his eyes. For a few seconds, he said nothing and Michael was unsure if Alex had actually noticed him, but then Alex shook his head slightly and lifted the whiskey bottle as if he had to give himself liquid courage.</p>
<p>“What are you doing here?” He asked, taking a long swig.</p>
<p>Michael wanted nothing more than to take the bottle away from him, but he didn’t want to start a fight and he knew how <em>he</em> got when he was drunk and someone tried to take his alcohol away. He just never was at the other end of this constellation.</p>
<p>“I had a feeling you shouldn’t be alone right now,” Michael said and nodded his head towards the bottle in Alex’s hand.<br/>“And apparently I was right.”</p>
<p>“Are you seriously judging me right now?” Alex huffed. “<em>You</em>?”</p>
<p>“No.” Michael shook his head. “But that doesn’t mean that I want to leave you alone now.”</p>
<p>“You’re not my babysitter.”</p>
<p>Alex took another swig and Michael pressed his lips together disapprovingly. Not that Alex could see him because he still wasn’t looking at him, still staring at nothing in front of him.</p>
<p>“No, I’m not, but I’m your-“</p>
<p>Michael didn’t know how to end this sentence.</p>
<p>“You’re my what? My <em>friend</em>?” Alex snorted incredulously. “We were never supposed to be friends.”</p>
<p>At first, it felt like Alex had hit him. They were never supposed to be friends? But hadn’t Alex himself suggested that just a few months ago? Did Alex really want to have absolutely nothing to do with him anymore?<br/>But then he realized it, though entirely too late.<br/>Back at his airstream, when Alex had said he wanted them to be friends, he didn’t mean <em>just</em> friends. He meant he wanted to be friends <em>first</em>. He wanted them to get to know each other before they moved on together, so they could understand where the other was coming from and that they could prevent misunderstandings and mistakes. So they wouldn’t keep blowing themselves up over and over and over again.<br/>Michael had never felt so stupid.</p>
<p>It was downright impossible for them to only be friends. They were destined to be together and they could never live in the same atmosphere and not be more than friends.<br/>When he went to Maria, he didn’t think about that. For him, it was Maria as a girlfriend and eventually Alex as a friend, but in reality, and Alex had already realized that, it was Maria as a girlfriend and Alex not at all.<br/>He knew Alex felt something for him, that he had loved him, and maybe even still did. He also knew how important Maria was to him and by choosing her, he gave Alex a card that said, “It’s over. I don’t want you.” Like Michael had been serious when he said all those things in Caulfield.<br/>Did Alex think that? Didn’t he see it as a lie anymore?<br/>How had he expected Alex to just stick around, no matter how much it hurt him?</p>
<p>At that moment, Michael felt so helpless. For months Alex had felt alone and like Michael didn’t want him in his life anymore. As if he could live without Alex. What a ridiculous thought.<br/>But how did he say that? How was he supposed to tell him it was over between him and Maria? That he was the only one for Michael? Would Alex believe him at all?</p>
<p>“No, we were not,” Michael admitted, realizing too late how it must have sounded in Alex’s ears. He didn’t know about his conversation with Maria yet.<br/>Michael had to resist the sudden urge to hit himself.</p>
<p>Alex nodded slowly, as though he’d accepted that fact a long time ago, and brought the whiskey back to his lips.</p>
<p>“Then there is no reason for you to be here.”</p>
<p>Of course there was a reason. He cared about him. He loved him.<br/>But now wasn’t the time for great love declarations. Alex would only consider it pity or an attempt to guilt-trip him.</p>
<p>“I could call Kyle,” Michael sighed.</p>
<p>He really, <em>really</em> didn’t want to leave Alex alone, but if he wanted a friend, Kyle was his first choice now. Again, what an irony.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to call anyone at all,” Alex said. “Just go home. Or to Maria. Or wherever you go these days.“</p>
<p>“Alex,” Michael tried to appeal. “I genuinely don’t feel comfortable leaving you like this.”</p>
<p>“I went to fucking war, Guerin. It’s not the first time I killed someone and got wasted after,“ Alex said unaffectedly, rubbing his eyes.</p>
<p>Michael didn’t even want to imagine Alex getting drunk somewhere in the Middle East after having to kill because his government told him to. That was so fundamentally different from his actual caring, kind and loving character that it hurt even Michael. Especially since he now sounded like it he was completely undazzled by it.</p>
<p>“But he was your fucking <em>brother</em>, Alex. You can’t tell me it doesn’t affect you in some way.“</p>
<p>“What does it matter?” Alex shrugged.</p>
<p>He wanted to drink some whiskey again, but this time Michael’s instincts got the better of him and he snatched the bottle away from his hand. Michael was already mentally preparing for an argument, but Alex just gave him an angry look.<br/>It was the first time Alex looked at him and only now could Michael see his face. It was still dark, but he could make out the puffy glassy eyes that reflected light from somewhere nonetheless. Before he could analyze him further, Alex deflated, sighed, and turned his head away again. It looked like he had no fight left in his body. As if he had already given up and that fucking terrified Michael.</p>
<p>Alex reached to his right and opened the closet next to him. He took out another already half-empty bottle of whiskey, twisted off the lid and tossed it next to him.</p>
<p>“Alex,” Michael said with a warning undertone.</p>
<p>“What do you want me to fucking do, Guerin?” Alex suddenly called, his voice too loud in this quiet night.<br/>“I killed someone and I will probably get dishonorably discharged and perhaps I will also go to jail. And I’m sorry I’m breaking my promise. I’m sorry I won’t be able to protect you. But what do you want me to do?“</p>
<p>Michael couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Alex thought it was about his promise to protect him and his siblings? That just confirmed his suspicions that Alex saw himself only as a protector in this group and not as a friend. Not as family.</p>
<p>“This isn’t about your promise, Alex. This is about you hurting, and by the looks of it, already giving up,” Michael tried to make clear.</p>
<p>Alex exhaled through his nose and dropped his head against the closet behind him, defeated.</p>
<p>“I’m tired of fighting,” he whispered with his eyes closed. “I fought my family and I fought in wars and I fought a government conspiracy and I fought my feelings for you. My life is as bad as it gets and just keeps getting worse. I did all this stuff, trying to make everything better. I tried to keep all of you safe and I tried to move on, too, but nothing changed.“</p>
<p>Michael had a lump in his throat. How could he let it get this far? How hadn’t he noticed all of this?<br/>That’s what Michael imagined someone to look like who had reached his breaking point.</p>
<p>Alex turned his head in Michael’s direction and looked at him.</p>
<p>“I didn’t just kill him because he tried to murder me, you know?” Alex turned away again and looked at the ceiling.<br/>“I also did it because he threatened you. He knows I care about you and I couldn’t let him hurt you.“</p>
<p>Michael swallowed.<br/>“With ‘you’, do you mean Max, Iz, and me, or do you mean...?”</p>
<p>“You.”<br/>A tiny smile appeared on Alex’s face. It was so small that Michael had almost missed it if he hadn’t focused his eyes on Alex so intensely the entire time.</p>
<p>“The things I do for you,” he snorted, and it should probably resemble a laugh. “It’s ridiculous. I fought my Dad for you, even back when we were in high school. I went to war for you, I’m being court-martialed for you, I will probably lose my position in the Air Force for you, I might go to jail for you, I killed my brother for you.“</p>
<p>Michael tried to hold back the tears. What did Alex mean, “he went to war for him?” If it had been up to Michael, Alex would never have left his side. And still, through all his sacrifices, it was always “for Michael”, never “because of”.</p>
<p>“And the worst thing about it,” Alex continued quietly, “is that you don’t even know. I hurt you over and over and over again. So many times. And all those times you thought I wanted to leave. But I didn’t.“<br/>Alex’s voice broke and a tear rolled down Michael’s cheek.<br/>“I <em>didn’t</em>. I never wanted to.“</p>
<p>Michael assumed that Alex would never have told him all of this if he hadn’t already had more than half a bottle of whiskey and if he weren’t going to be on trial in a few days.</p>
<p>“Then why did you?” Michael asked, his voice rough with restrained tears.</p>
<p>Alex shook his head and drank some of that other whiskey.</p>
<p>“Alex,” Michael pleaded. “<em>Please</em>.”</p>
<p>Throughout the years, he just saw Alex leaving repeatedly and all he felt was his own pain. He hadn’t known that it had hurt Alex, too.</p>
<p>“I would never have gone to the Air Force on my account, even if my father had threatened my life, but then he...” Alex started without looking away from the ceiling. “Then he threatened yours. After he found us. He threatened to kill you if I didn’t enlist. He said no one would ever notice if you were gone.“</p>
<p>Michael could swear he physically felt a blow in the pit of his stomach and like his heart could jump out of his chest at any moment.<br/>That was what Alex meant by “I went to war for you.” Jesse had threatened Michael and Alex had loved him so much that he would rather be hurt himself than see Michael suffer.</p>
<p>Alex laughed again, self-deprecating and sad.<br/>“Everyone threatens you because of me. Because I care about you. You deserve better than that.“ Desperately, he rubbed his eyes again before he closed them. “Why am I in your life?”</p>
<p>And if that didn’t give Michael the final blow, then he didn’t know what would.<br/>Alex really felt guilty about being in Michael’s life? As if that wasn’t the best thing that had ever happened to Michael?<br/>Loving Alex and being loved by Alex might have felt like a continued crash landing and it might have hurt both of them too many times for them to count, but it was also unconditional and perfect and beautiful and home.</p>
<p>Alex felt Michael move next to him to pull him into his arms before he actually saw it and quickly moved to the side. He pulled his knees closer to his body and tried to make himself as small as possible. This picture made Michael sick in the stomach. Alex should <em>never</em> look so vulnerable and hurt and hopeless.</p>
<p>“Don’t,” Alex said in a broken voice. “I won’t be able to let go of you if you do.”</p>
<p>“Then don’t,” Michael answered quietly.</p>
<p>Alex shook his head again.</p>
<p>“Don’t do this. Not if you’re just gonna leave again.“</p>
<p>Now, wasn’t that just the twist of the universe? Throughout the years it was always Alex who, albeit reluctantly, kept leaving and now their roles were reversed. For the first time, Michael noticed how it felt to have this power over someone and he didn’t like it. At all.<br/>He knew he could just go now and leave Alex alone. But he could also stay here a little while longer and leave later. Or stay here and never go.<br/>Alex had never had that last option, however, and now that he knew that feeling, he could understand him a little better.</p>
<p>“You’re with Maria now and I can’t do this to her.” A first tear rolled down Alex’s cheek as well. Then a second one.<br/>“I might not be the love of your life but you’re mine and for that I’m sorry. And you know what they say,” Alex tried to smile, but you couldn’t recognize it as such. “If you love someone, you let them go. I only want you do be happy and if it’s not with me than that’s okay. I understand. I have to let you move on but <em>you</em> also have to let me let you move on. I already tried keeping away from you, but I won’t be able to let you be happy if you keep coming back looking at me like you do. So please just ... Please just <em>go</em>.“</p>
<p>Michael couldn’t hold back the tears any more than Alex could. His heart was beating so loudly in the quiet room that he was afraid Alex would hear it. Still, it didn’t feel like the right time to admit that Maria and he had split up. Alex had just revealed all of his secrets and admitted that he had been hurting like crazy for the past months. Telling him now that all of this was more or less for nothing, that he had gone through this pain for no other reason than that it took Michael so long to realize Alex was everything for him and he could never live without him, seemed wrong in their current situation.</p>
<p>Even if Michael was never letting Alex go again, especially since he knew the truth now, Alex had to calm down and process the day first before they could have this conversation and he couldn’t do that if Michael stayed there.</p>
<p>He got up slowly, but Alex didn’t even look at him as he kept his head down.<br/>Without another word, he turned around and went to the door. He would call Kyle and say he should come to the cabin to take care of Alex and be there for him. Michael would never leave Alex alone in such a state.<br/>Kyle would make sure Alex got at least some hours of sleep and then they would draft a plan tomorrow as soon as Alex was back from the base. He just had to wait.</p>
<p>But what had waiting ever done for Michael?<br/>He had been waiting for Alex for a decade, only to be then overwhelmed, hurt, and scared himself and to run to Maria. For years he and Alex had kept secrets from each other, so misunderstandings arose all the damn time, leading to them making mistakes and preventing them from talking. For years he hadn’t talked to Isobel or Max about Alex and had bottled up everything, which had convinced him that nobody on earth wanted him. He had waited months before talking to Maria about Alex and in the end, they all had to suffer.</p>
<p>Michael made it to his truck before turning around and storming back into the cabin. With his powers, he pushed the door open and then slammed it shut behind him.<br/>In the kitchen, he threw himself next to Alex and gave finally into his instincts and immediately pulled him into his arms, holding him close.</p>
<p>Alex stopped breathing.</p>
<p>“I’m not going anywhere,” Michael whispered in Alex’s hair and was rewarded just after a few seconds as Alex clung to Michael, hands clenched in his T-shirt, and face pressed into the crook of his neck.</p>
<p>Somehow Michael managed to lift Alex onto his lap without having to detach himself from him.</p>
<p>And then they sat there. A big bunch of limps and tears and love.<br/>They sat there, in the dark silence of the night, clinging to each other while Michael whispered sweet nothings in his ear.</p>
<p>“I’m not leaving. Not ever again.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed this little story and thank you for reading it!</p>
<p>I had so much fun writing it that I thought about... you know... a sequel...? Maybe? Would that be something you guys would be interested in?</p>
<p>Anyways, please feel free to tell me what you thought about this fic and if you want to read more!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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